Her Story: Pat Smith
her |həː, hə| pronoun 1 used as the object of a verb or preposition to refer to a female person: Her beauty radiates from the inside out.
Pat Smith is a native of Chesapeake, Virginia, and resides in Dallas, Texas with her husband, Emmitt, and five children. She is a minister, author, speaker, entrepreneur, and philanthropist. Pat received a bachelor’s degree in journalism from James Madison University. She then went on to become the first African American woman to win the Miss Virginia USA title and not long after, she placed first runner-up in the 1994 Miss USA Pageant.
Pat is also the co-founder of Pat & Emmitt Smith Charities, as well as founder and CEO of Pat Smith Enterprises and Treasure You, a non-profit organization that inspires women to pursue their second chance in life despite difficult circumstances and setbacks.
But we love Pat because of her authenticity, faith, and radical love for God and His people. Her transparency is nothing short of inspirational! Read more of her story below to glean from her faith, ability to carry on through life’s struggles, and incredible parenting and relationship advice—or watch the Facebook Live event here!
Q&A with Pat Smith
1. You were the first African American woman to win the Miss Virginia USA title. How are you feeling right now holding that kind of honor in the midst of such racial turmoil?
Honestly, for a long time, I didn’t see it as an accomplishment at all. I had competed in pageants for years—I was never thin or tall enough and I was getting really tired of the rejection. When I lost my mom, it really wiped me out. My sister came in to encourage me and told me I needed to do it one more time. Then—I won. Since I was little, I always watched pageants. I thought winning Miss USA would be "the thing" to get me to my bigger things, hopes, and dreams. When I got to Miss USA and I didn’t win, it was just like another rejection. I had lost the major dream that was supposed to be the step to get me where I wanted to be. I felt like a loser. I was carrying that failure for a long time. But recently, over the last year or two, God has been doing a work in me to change my perspective. In my perspective—I was a loser (I actually called myself the second loser).
A lot of racism in our nation actually started in Virginia. The truth was, I was able to do something that nobody else had done before. But because my perspective was so jacked up—I couldn’t see it. When you take rejection on—you become a victim. My first marriage ended in divorce, the show I wanted never happened, and I didn’t win the title I had been hoping for. I had experienced so much rejection that I clung to the title of a victim so tightly—I couldn’t see what God was really doing. I would put a mask on and pretend I was good. But little by little, God started peeling the layers back for me to heal. I had to accept that I wasn’t perfect—I was a mess—but when I was finally able to admit it, God was able to heal me and use the area of rejection to do some beautiful things in my life. Now, I use my story to help women overcome slavery to rejection and the mindset of being a victim so they can find freedom earlier in their lives to pursue their God-given purpose and destiny.
2. How did you get through the rough patches of death, fear, rejection, and divorce?
It sounds cliche—but it really is the power of God and leaning in on His Word. It’s the only way. Sometimes it’s reading the word or listening to sermons. Having a great mentor in your life helps a lot—I’ve had one for 20 years. I can tell her anything. I’ve shared stuff with her that I’d be so embarrassed to share with other people—but she taught me how to be vulnerable. She taught me to go to the Word of God when I’m in trouble. Now, when I can’t reach her—I know what to do. I go get my Bible first or I go in my closet and pray. I’ve learned to go to God right away because He’s our friend. Praying should be simple. Just say, “Help me, God.” And He does!
But it’s always a journey with God. When I first when to church I was embarrassed because I didn’t know how to read the Bible. I didn’t have a relationship with God or any knowledge of the Bible. But when I finally got truthful with myself and took off the mask—that’s when God really started revealing those places of hurt and cracks in me that needed to be healed—and He keeps healing them.
3. You are a minister, author, speaker, entrepreneur, philanthropist, mother of 5, and a wife! How are you able to do it all??
First and foremost—I give honor to God. Every morning before I get going—before I roll—I am thanking the Lord. I always acknowledge Him. My morning devotions set the tone for my whole day. But I was spinning for years, trying to balance all my jobs, projects, and roles. About 2 years ago, I decided to listen to my mentor and take a trip alone for a week. I had never been away alone on a trip. I thought everything was going to crash at home if I left. It was hard the first night. But by Thursday, I didn’t want to leave. I was starting to learn how to love myself. I was getting to know myself in my late forties. There was so much about me that I had missed. Healing starts with you. Recognizing you need to be healed is the first step. If you really know you—you’ll know what God has called you to do. When you tap into your purpose (and it changes over time) everything else falls into place. God knew I would need every hard thing I walked through. And now I want people to get the knowledge I gained from my healing before I did. I love to see women happy and fulfilled—not living for anyone but God. Once I started living for God—Emmet fell in place, my 5 kids fell in place, and I even got comfortable taking naps and not feeling guilty about it!
4. What’s your best advice for singles wanting to be married?
When my mom died I jumped right into a marriage at 24 that ended in divorce. The same thing could have happened with Emmett, if not for counseling. I didn’t take the time I needed to heal and get to know myself when I was single. I tell single girls to take their time—you will never get this time back. It’s a beautiful time. It’s when God does His work in you. If I can give advice to anyone getting married—look at where they grew up—we are products of our environment. How you grew up will determine the decisions you make in parenting, spiritual life, and even loading the dishwasher—just make sure you are aligned in the big stuff.
5. What’s your best tip for married couples?
Go to counseling. Don’t wait until the car breaks down to get it serviced. Keep your marriage serviced. I have been in therapy since I was 25 years old and I don’t know what I would do without it. Emmitt and I do couples counseling together—and we both do separate individual counseling. It’s been very healthy for us. We both came together out of broken relationships, as new believers with desire but no real spiritual depth. We met from mutual friends—but it’s been a really good give and take in our growth with God and nurturing each other’s faith in different seasons. And counseling has definitely helped our marriage!
6. What’s your best parenting tip?
The mommy guilt thing? Let it go. When I think about all the pressure I put on myself—it was so unnecessary! My biggest fear was that someday my child would be 25 and look at me and say you did a terrible job. Now, she’s 25—and she’s fine. Some things I could have done differently and some things she might be disappointed by—but I was doing the best that I could with what I had. And boundaries! Set boundaries. They’re important in your life. The people who love you will fall in line. It’s important to stay healthy and strong so you can offer your best for them.
7. How are you talking to your kids about what’s happening right now in the world?
Elijah is 9—he’s the youngest. He’s been privy to a lot of conversations because of his older siblings. He watches the news with us and sees what is going on. I say, if they can ask it—they should get an honest answer. Don’t hide the truth from your children. It’s real. Instead, teach through the things you are seeing on the news and in the world. Emmitt started a family Bible study during the quarantine and that has given us time to talk in-depth and space for the kids to have questions. But best advice? Be real, open, and honest with your kids.
8. Have you ever experienced racial prejudice?
Not the way you would think. I was judged and hated by what I considered to be my own people when I visited a nation in Africa with Emmitt. They loved him, but because of my light eyes they thought I was a white woman and they mistreated me in that area. There, white was the enemy. They hated me. I cried from that hate. So, I know what it feels like to be not wanted, not loved, not special, or disregarded because of the way things look on the outside. God has given me empathy for this area.
What we don’t know creates fear. Ignorance just comes from a lack of knowledge, wisdom, and experience—this is why we talk about these things. The best thing we can do right now is to be open. When someone comes to us and wants to talk to us and understand—we need to be open. "If we want to help heal the world, we have to be able to sit across from people who look and think differently than we do and have uncomfortable conversations to come to a place of understanding."
9. How do you deal with unforgiveness?
First—acknowledge you have unforgiveness. Then you can deal with it with God. It’s one thing to forgive—but it’s another thing to heal and sometimes we neglect the healing process. There is a healing process—a grieving process—that comes with forgiveness. Some people may need to take another step and have counseling to intervene to help through that process.
Second—remember we’re all human. We can all connect to the emotions of anger, fear, rejection, and pain—those things run deeper than skin color. We can all connect there. As Christians, we need to have grace and mercy for those who don’t have the Lord. Remember they have a lot of hurt, pain, and anger. We are all human and those emotions are coming from past hurts and pain. We all have it. But forgiveness is a lifetime journey. We’re all just trying to get to heaven. We’ll never get there while we’re here.
10. Last words to give to people with a heavy heart, losing hope in this season?
I wrote a book called Second Chances: Finding Healing for Your Pain, Regaining Your Strength, Celebrating Your New Life. I wrote it to my 22-year-old self—and it’s all about hope. It’s about overcoming the things we have done, things that were done to us, and things that are out of our control that hurt. What I learned from writing the book was that every story I used (including my own) was from someone who had been broken, hurt, and disappointed—and God had done his work in all of us. Every one of us was doing ministry in that place of pain. Serita Jakes once said, "Allow your misery to become your ministry.” I couldn’t agree more. I love helping hurting women because I’ve been hurt. When you pour into the place of your pain—God will use it. God only allows pain to use it for a purpose greater than we could ever imagine.
Also—pray and speak the promises of God over your life. Two of my favorites are: Walking in God’s Promises by Elizabeth George and Jesus Calling by Sarah Young.
Thank you, Pat! You are such an inspirational woman. Thank you for your transparency, realness, and openness. You are a breath of fresh air in a world in need of hope!
We’ll see you all next month on July 1st for Equipped by Faith. Be sure to follow us on social media @equippedbyfaith and subscribe to our newsletter at info@equippedbyfaith.com to receive weekly email encouragement and updates on our next gathering!
XO-
Equipped by Faith